SEVERED HEAD FOUND IN BOLTON

The sleepy fishing village of Bolton was rocked today when news of a grisly discovery shocked the entire queue of the local Co-op.
What appeared to be the disembodied head of the now extinct Pasty-man tribe was dug up in the back garden of coronation day flag seller Mister Tyrone Shoelaces. It was the biggest shock I've had since I last worked in 1953 said Shoelaces (98). "I was trying to dig up a turnip for my tea when my trowel hit something strange" he dribbled. Little did he know that his quest for food would lead to the archeological find of the last 3 millennia: an almost perfect example of the head of the long forgotten species of half man- half pasty folk (see photo below). An acknowledged expert from Accrington university pronounced it as being the nearest thing to the legendary missing link since chavs were discovered in Chorley and Time Team presenter Tony Robinson said he wished Ben Elton would write another series of Blackadder so he wouldn't have to spend so much time messing around in dirt.

All round know-it-all Professor Heinz Wolff was unavailable for comment but schoolboy Bill Dingsite said it looked like his school lunch which he dropped yesterday in Mr Shoelaces garden

Photo: The Half Man half Pastie

Hot Toast - A Poem

HOT TOAST
by
Bob Williamson

When Jonathon Cooper came home from school
He started to cry and to cry.
He cried and he cried for nearly three weeks
And his mum started wondering why.

"What's a matter young John?" his mother did ask.
"Has't been caught peein' up bog wall again?
Or has Mr Kneetrembler given you't stick
For playing at darts wi' yer pen?"

"It's nothing like that mum" Jonathon said.
"It's all got to do with me willy.
We were measuring 'em in't showers like,
Just after games and mine was so small it looked silly".

"Right!" said his mum. "Down t' gypsies we'll go.
Some of them spells as we'll borra.
They'll make it go grow long right away.
You'll be tripping over the bugger tomorra".

Well next morning at gypsies John showed his complaint.
It was certainly nothing to boast.
And the gypsy first thought he's sprouted a worm
And then he prescribed John - "Hot Toast".

"Hot Toast?" said his mum. "have you gone bloody mad?
It's his willy that's lacking you twit!
Why, just look at the poor little thing hanging there.
At tea time, I've ate bigger chips!"

"It's a common complaint, Mrs Cooper" he said.
"And mostly from men don't you know.
But nature has found the best cure of them all
'Cos hot buttered toast makes 'em grow".

The next morning at breakfast young Johnny came down
And he looked like he'd just seen a ghost.
'Cos on every plate piled high up to the roof...
Were hundreds of pieces of toast.

"I can't eat all that, mum" Jonathon said
And his face it grew morbid and sad.
"That's all right luv, there's just two for you...
The rest of 'em's all for yer dad!"

Who is Bob Williamson?

Bob is a fondly remembered 'folk comedian' from Bolton - he appeared on the legendary Lanky Spoken Here! along with fellow Boltonian Bernard Wrigley, The Fivepenny Piece, Gary & Vera Aspey and others. Starting in the 1970s along with other entertainers who became famous through their folk club performances (Mike Harding, Bernard Wrigley, Jasper Carrott, Fred Wedlock, Max Boyce, etc.), Bob made three classic comedy albums, appeared on TV and radio and toured the country and the world. Sadly for all of us, and especially him, he injured himself badly and is now unable to perform. But his legacy lives on. And so does he, still in Bolton! But let Bob tell you about himself - he can do it better nor I can:

Early Daze

"I asked my dad which part on my child hood he enjoyed most... he said the conception. He used to carry me everywhere on his shoulders... bloody uncomfortable in the car! Then my mother tells me I've got my fathers eyes... I feel dreadful now. On my dad's 80th birthday he informed me he didn't want to go into a home... especially mine. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a Formula 1 racing driver, But God gave me a personality so that ruined that. I lived for a while in a tower block flat, not much but at least it was a roof under my feet.

Left school and in order to keep myself off the streets I got a job as a postman... ...but was fired for writing OH YES THEY DO across every envelope that said PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND. I was destined to be a doctor but I failed just ONE exam (my 11 plus). I gave up smoking using acupuncture... I pricked the cigs with needles.

Bob met his first wife at a séance. He was a regular and she was a medium. Then he had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met"

Showbiz

Bob was in a few pop groups who, curiously, went on to bigger things the moment Bob left.

Such as Bob and Garfunkel, and Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Titch and Bob. And, most frighteningly THE JACKSON 6!

Haven't I seen him somewhere?

Aye, he was in a couple of episodes of the award winning comedy series Phoenix Nights, created by fellow Boltonian Peter Kay. He auditioned for the club twice, but failed to get a booking, in spite of his monkey partner stealing the show.

What records did he make?

Bob made three highly acclaimed albums - his first, Super Turn on Joe Stead's legendary Sweet Folk All label was followed by two albums on EMI's One Up label Bob Williamson's Greatest Hits Vol. 6? and Still Hazy After All These Beers. Here's a picture of Bob with his albums and the monkey as proof:

One much sought-after record Lanky Spoken Here, issued on EMI, featured Bob with other Lancashire artists including Gary & Vera Aspey, Bernard Wrigley and of course The Fivepenny Piece. The record was a Lancashire dialect tutorial, interpersed with humorous songs. The 'Lanky' words and phrases were 'translated' into English by the posh-voiced former BBC newsreader Robert Dougall, among others. The album is now available on CD - for more details see the Lanky Spoken Here! CD page.